WASHINGTON—Placing his right hand on the collection of posts taken from the controversial message board, JD Vance was reportedly sworn in as vice president Monday on a stack of printed-out 4chan greentexts. “I, James David Vance, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic,” he said, appearing to grow emotional as he glanced down at the stack of screeds from self-described beta males, which were filled with Wojak memes and countless “Be Me” stories bemoaning relationships with woke women—hundreds of pages that Vance had annotated himself over the years, often with sketches of the website’s iconic Pedobear character. “I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me Pepe—whoops, I mean God. Sorry. Doing it for the lulz.” Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who administered the oath, reportedly smiled and nodded in approval after catching sight of several explicit screenshots from /h/ peeking out from the pile.
Jesus Christ is King
