WASHINGTON, D.C. — Looking back over his legacy, sources said now-former President Joe Biden consoled himself with the fact that, no matter what else he may have done, at least he did his very best to ruin the country during his four years in office.
While Biden was disappointed to not receive a second term, he nonetheless took pride in his masterful handling of the destruction of America’s economy, foreign relations, public policy, security, and sovereignty.
“I took over a country in shambles from a deadly global pandemic, and… and… and COVID,” Biden told his staff this morning. “We had the worst economy since… the time that the… ever since. But at least I did my darndest to leave the country much worse than I found it. You know, when I signed the theijsngieownt into law, I never imagined that… we would finally beat Medicare.”
While Biden’s presidency survived a plethora of “I Did That” stickers on gas station pumps, $15 cartons of eggs, and a generation of preschoolers who were urged to question their own genders, he reportedly wished he could have done more.
“It wasn’t easy, but I did it,” Biden told one aide. “I may not have totally succeeded, but I tried. And that’s all that… probably. Leafblower.”
At publishing time, sources said Biden was comforted by the fact that ongoing tensions around the world left behind by his administration may still result in global thermonuclear conflict before anyone could do anything to stop it.
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