Homeowner hopes $5K window can double as wifi booster, life coach, or leader of the Liberal Party
CALGARY AB – Homeowners Wendy and Amir Fam were left wondering what else the $5,000 window could do as they gazed out their new state-of-the-art triple pane glass.
Initially, they took turns looking out and trying to decide if the house was any warmer or cooler. However, after sinking the equivalent of a 2018 Ford Escape into a single window, they now feel some buyer’s remorse and think that it should offer some additional features, like boosted Wi-Fi 7, personalized life advice, or a shot at leading the Liberal Party to a triumphant election victory.
“It’s nice,” said Mr Fam, as he wiped away a fingerprint from the advanced ‘smart glass.’ “But after I had to sit through a two-hour demonstration by the sales rep on its insulation rating, cutting edge design and extended warranty, I figured, surely there’s something more it can do for that price like navigating tough life choices or moderating a parliamentary debate?”
At first, none of the neighbours noticed the addition that cost the equivalent of two doodle puppies to the Fam’s home. Once it was pointed out, neighbour Graham Whitely agreed, that at that price, the window should do something a little extra. “Does it have a neighbour watch app built in?” pondered Whitely. “Alternatively, this window could step forward and unify the country on a robust platform of energy efficiency and clarity.”
Local contractors, however, suggest that the only real difference with ultra-premium windows is the slightly superior energy efficiency, the triple glaze, and the possibility of having very strong opinions about government carbon tax initiatives. “Yes, it blocks drafts and keeps out the elements,” said window specialist Carol Jacobs, “but it can’t exactly remind you to drink more water or suggest a fixed mortgage rate. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if it eventually ran to lead the Liberal Party.”
For now, the equivalent of 2,941 Tim Hortons Smile cookies that could have sent kids to camp window remains devoted to its primary functions of letting in natural light, offering a modest view of the neighbour’s yard, and making anyone inside question the life choices that led them to spend so much on a hole in the wall. Although, the Tam’s hold out hope that it might become the first transparent party leader in Canadian history.
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