Hurr Durr! Get A Load Of This Retard Who Reads The Bible And Believes It Just Means What It Says
PHOENIX, AZ — A local Christian community was thrown into an uproar this week when it came to people’s attention that there was a retard among them who not only reads the Bible but also believes that it just means what it says.
The group of professing believers were stunned to learn that their friend, Max Bartlett, who they had long believed to be intelligent and of sound mind, reads the Bible daily and inexplicably takes it literally without performing any theological gymnastics to come up with symbolic interpretations.
“What an absolute idiot,” said Bartlett’s friend, Chris Moore. “I’ve known him for a long time, but now that I found out he reads his Bible and believes it just means what it says? I’ve got to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask myself what type of standards I have for my friends. The Bible ‘means what it says?’ Yeah. Right. Good one, Max. You moron.”
Bartlett’s other friends were equally surprised to learn he was obviously a total imbecile. “Some people are just really, really stupid,” said friend and seminary student Kevin Nelson. “‘Hurr durr! I trust the Bible to say what it actually means! I’m a retard and I take God’s Word at face value! Derp!’ He obviously doesn’t know how to read the Bible and turn it into some mysterious puzzle that God made really difficult for people to understand. Nice smooth brain you’ve got there, Max.”
At publishing time, there were unconfirmed reports that Bartlett was living a much happier, faith-filled life than his far more theologically educated friends.
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