DUBOIS, WY—Saying the one-size-fits-all approach had yet to let him down, a local ram told reporters Thursday that he would stop headbutting things when headbutting things stopped working. “Say what you will about it, there’s pretty much no problem in my life that can’t be solved by lowering my head, charging forward, and smacking my horns into whatever’s in front of me,” said the male bighorn sheep, adding that while he was theoretically open to other methods of problem-solving if headbutting ever proved insufficient, it hadn’t happened yet. “I figure if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Another ram tries to make a move on my mate? Headbutt. Hiker comes a little too close for a photograph? Headbutt. Predator tries to eat me? Brother, you better believe I’m giving that thing a headbutt. It works like a charm 100% of the time. A ram couldn’t ask for a better go-to move.” At press time, sources confirmed the ram successfully took his mind off his chronic brain fog and memory lapses by headbutting a large boulder.
Jesus Christ is King
