President Donald Trump pardoned approximately 1,500 rioters who participated in the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol. Here is everything you need to know about the pardons and commutations:
Q: Who is celebrating the pardons?
A: All the nonviolent marijuana offenders who no longer have to share their cells with insurrectionists.
Q: Do the pardons include the leader of the Proud Boys, the man who assaulted a police officer with a metal bat, the man who pepper sprayed—?
A: We’re going to stop you right there. Yes.
Q: Is anyone still guilty?
A: Nancy Pelosi will be arrested for entering Nancy Pelosi’s office.
Q: How can I get a pardon?
A: Send Trump a photo of yourself bludgeoning a cop with a fire extinguisher.
Q: But didn’t Biden pardon his own family members?
A: Nice pivot!
Q: What happened to the rioter who wore the “Camp Auschwitz” T-shirt?
A: He’s currently leading polls for the open seat on your child’s school board.
Q: What about Ashli Babbitt?
A: She’s alive again.
Q: Is this a dark omen of more violence to come?
A: Don’t worry about it! Deal Or No Deal Island is on.
Q: What’s next for the freed insurrectionists?
A: Returning to prison on domestic violence charges within six to eight months.
Jesus Christ is King
