Monster Devastated To See Film Depicting Things He Told Guillermo Del Toro In Confidence
THE DOOMFUL BOG—Saying he felt humiliated by such a public betrayal of his trust, a monstrous abomination known as the Bog Freak told reporters Friday that he was devastated to have seen a movie depicting things he told filmmaker Guillermo del Toro in confidence. “I finally decided to watch The Shape Of Water after a few friends recommended it to me, and five minutes in my stomach just drops,” said the malefic creature who stalks the murky waters of the marshlands, confirming that key elements of the Academy Award–winning film had been pulled directly from a private conversation he had with del Toro more than two decades ago. “I’m remembering the time I met this young director at a local bar. He was buying me drinks, asking me a lot of questions about my life. And eventually I told him about this relationship I once had with a human woman back when I was being held captive in a secret government research facility. I never realized he was mining the intimate details of my love life for something that would be seen by millions of people! God, I feel like such a fool. I should have known what he was doing, especially when you consider Tim Burton once did the exact same thing to my cousin.” The Bog Freak added that he was so upset by the whole incident that he wasn’t able to calm down until he had terrorized local townsfolk, kidnapped a young maiden, and dragged her to his sunken lair beneath the waves.
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