ATLANTA—In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured.
The massive heavenly event began at 12:02 p.m. EST when a large burst of God’s divine light shot down from the clouds and slowly lifted all 3,059 of the Christian-owned restaurants off the ground and into the Lord’s Eternal Kingdom. Videos posted across social media showed customers as they screamed and fell to their knees in Chick-fil-A parking lots, clutching the empty wrappers, containers, and cups that seconds earlier had held their chicken sandwiches, waffle fries, and soft drinks.
“This afternoon at Chick-fil-A, I could not believe my eyes,” said Garret Huddleston, a visibly shaken customer at a Phoenix-area location who told reporters he was enjoying a combo meal at the time of the restaurant’s divine departure. “I sat down to eat my lunch when, all of a sudden, the earth began to shake and a blinding white flash filled the room. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the pavement and the pickles on my sandwich were glowing this beautiful shade of green and floating away into the sky.”
“The Bible says the Lord will descend from heaven and His most devoted followers will be called to the clouds to be with Him forever,” Huddleston added. “Today, that was my Chick-fil-A nuggets and chocolate milkshake.”
In security camera footage of a restaurant in Akron, OH, panicked shouts of “Help, help” and “Save him” could be heard as a Chick-fil-A customer refused to let go of his Spicy Deluxe Sandwich, crying out, “Please, don’t leave me behind!” As the menu item soared into the brightly lit sky, the customer appeared to cling to his sandwich as long as he could, eventually losing his grip and plummeting 50 feet to his death.
According to reports, emergency rooms across the country were flooded with patrons who had looked up from their tables directly into the face of God and were subsequently compelled to gouge their eyes out with plastic utensils or blind themselves with Zesty Buffalo Sauce.
“Working the line today at Chick-fil-A was certainly not what I expected,” said Sandra Jackson, an employee at a location in Bakersfield, CA, adding that she was startled when customers fell to the ground, vomited blood, and began screaming in tongues. “Everything around me shook so hard I thought maybe a truck had hit the building. But before I knew it, all of my fryers, the grills, and the walk-in freezer were hovering in the air far above me, basking in the eternal majesty of the Almighty.”
“I tried to put on my headset and radio my employees,” Jackson continued, “but all I heard was a loud, deafening voice telling me the end was nigh and I would be cursed to wander the earth through years of war, plagues, natural disasters, and a great famine during which no one could order Chick-fil-A.”
Witnesses who were able to sprint out of the restaurants all reported seeing the same thing: a parting of clouds as a vortex of Chick-fil-A franchises slowly rotated upward through the sky and disappeared into the firmament.
At a rally in Atlanta on the former site of the restaurant’s presumably raptured corporate headquarters, thousands of devoted customers were said to have donned cow costumes and held signs reading “Eat Mor Chikin” to prepare themselves to face the final wrath of God. Having saved Chick-fil-A, the deity is now expected to cleanse the world of all He deems unrighteous.
“We who remain are wicked and cursed—destined for hell,” said Decatur, GA–based franchise owner Jason Wheelan, who removed his Chick-fil-A hat, apron, and shirt to flagellate himself before the Lord. “God has taken His favorite foods up to heaven to make a great repast with His son, Jesus Christ, and He has left us below to die a painful, tortuous death at the hands of Satan!”
“We are doomed to live in a world without Chick-fil-A.” Wheelan added. “May God have mercy on our souls.”
At press time, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had reportedly ushered in a 1,000-year reign of Arby’s.
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