MONTGOMERY, AL—Calling it a “revolutionary way” to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for executions. “With the amazing Death Row Fast Pass, inmates can zoom past all those condemned individuals in front of them and get strapped to a gurney and injected with a lethal dose of toxic chemicals right away,” said state corrections commissioner John Brooks, adding that the pass, which costs just $39, could save death row inmates up to 40 years of wait time and also provides special access to a number of exclusive execution methods, including electrocution, nitrogen gas asphyxiation, and even firing squad. “Trust us, the last thing you want is to get stuck in some long line and have to waste valuable time in solitary confinement when you could be out there getting suffocated, poisoned, or shot to death by the state. Plus, with our Lightning Lane upgrade, if the execution doesn’t work, you’ll be first in line to try again.” At press time, Brooks added that the $60 VIP Death Row Membership offered complimentary nooses so inmates could just do the job themselves.
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