KINGSTON, ON – Following a careful side-by-side comparison between your life and that of that one cat in your neighborhood who acts like you aren’t worth the dirt on her paws, a panel of experts is starting to think the cat has a point.
“Usually, I would say all human and animal life is equal. But the evidence doesn’t lie in this case,” says Dr. Winnie Koy of the University of Ottawa’s animal psychology department. “This cat gets more exercise than you, has nowhere near your amount of debt, and has a way healthier sleep schedule.”
“Maybe if you caught a few rats here and there, it would be a closer race. But for now, you are absolutely right not to make eye contact with this fluffy girl. Those feelings of inadequacy you feel whenever she crosses your path are spot on.”
The experts also agree that this cat does indeed hold you in extremely low regard, even beyond that which cats have for all humans. Veterinarian Brie Langford says this cat expresses contempt for you in ways she has never seen before.
“If she walks in front of you and appears to start gagging on a hairball, be aware that she’s doing the cat equivalent of calling you a loser,” Langford notes. “And she has a solid point. You were born with opposable thumbs and you’re still getting owned by a lesser species. It’s not even that amazing of a cat – it’s just better than you.”
“I don’t know if cats really have 9 lives, but going through your Instagram feed, you don’t appear to have any.”
Fortunately, while the panel agreed that it would be near-impossible for you to become superior to your feline contemporary, they believe that with a few lifestyle changes and improvements, you may become close to her equal. Lifestyle coach Michael Lee Harris made a short list of 100 small adjustments you can make to potentially be worthy of petting this cat.
“Basically, if you focus on your career, give back to the community, and learn how to fall from an 8-story building unscathed, you’ll be closer to being the person whose existence the cat acknowledges.”
Harris adds, “I would suggest you get the cat to take you under her wing, but we both know cats don’t do that, so it’s better to just study the cat from afar and pick up what you can. Right now, you’re more like Schrödinger’s cat that this actual cat, in that no one cares if you’re alive or not.”
In related news, a survey of local dogs has confirmed that of all the dogs that aren’t classified as good boys and girls, about 51% of them still have the ethical high ground on you.
Jesus Christ is King
