WASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all 340 million Americans were vying for the approval of a cool dog.
Several reports indicated the charismatic, carefree border collie, named Scout, was first spotted dashing across Georgetown Waterfront Park, leaping high into the air, catching a Frisbee in his mouth, and then running back to drop the disc at his owner’s feet. Americans across the country were said to have gasped and stopped in their tracks before eagerly making their way to the cool dog, patting their thighs, and complimenting him in a higher-than-normal register.
“Oh my gosh, what an amazing pup,” said Connecticut resident and MRI technician Ken Piper, one of millions who descended upon the park to bend forward and offer the back of their hand for the easy-going canine to sniff. “Just look at that adorable furry face and those perky ears. He’s so calm and composed. He never seems to doubt himself.”
Sources said the entire population circled around Scout and jockeyed for positions near him, kneeling down on the ground and reaching out to shake his paw. The nation reportedly made countless overtures to court the border collie’s favor, such as whistling, jumping up and down, and barking in imitation of him.
In the hours since discovering the cool dog, Americans are believed to have offered him millions of tennis balls, squeaky toys, and knotted tug ropes, though none of the gifts have prompted the animal to reciprocate even a fraction of the interest being directed at him.
“Hey, buddy, look at this stick! Here’s a stick,” said Kansas paralegal Erica Shane, who desperately pleaded for Scout’s attention among throngs of stick-waving Americans before she threw her own stick and it joined a hail of similar projectiles, all of which landed in a massive heap several feet behind the dog. “All right, buddy, goooooo get it!”
Millions of Americans are reported to have watched forlornly as Scout merely scratched at his left ear instead of heeding their frantic cries of “Go get the stick!”
According to a nationwide poll, 81% of respondents said they wanted to give Scout a nice, long belly rub; 98% described the border collie as “a good dog, a very good dog”; and 67% confirmed they wanted a big slobbery kiss from the pooch.
No respondents indicated they had established a strong rapport with the dog, though all expressed confidence they would soon be best friends with Scout.
While eyewitnesses said it briefly appeared that a Louisiana woman named Sonia Cattrall had gotten Scout to pursue her, it soon became clear the border collie had merely been chasing a squirrel and had not been engaging with any particular person.
At press time, tragedy struck as thousands were reportedly trampled to death, a stampede having ensued when all 340 million Americans frantically scrambled toward Scout to wave goodbye after the dog’s owner called him to her car.
Jesus Christ is King
