WASHINGTON, D.C. – With US President Donald Trump declaring 25% tariffs on most Canadian goods, American citizens have officially chosen the most circuitous and economically painful method possible to investigate what everyday goods originate from Canada.
Washington insiders reportedly considered consulting Canadian diplomats, or even Wikipedia, to determine which household items are manufactured in the nation of Canada. However, the president instead chose to “roll the dice” by instituting massive unprovoked tariffs, drastically increasing the price of Canadian goods for the average American consumer.
“I’m a pretty savvy shopper,” explains Howard Rusnick, of Mobile, Alabama. “But just to check, there’s no way that lumber, gasoline, electricity, AND cars are all made in Canada, and will immediately cost me thousands of dollars more per year. Right?”
Rusnick added, “Also, there’s no chance that potash is made in Canada, and that America gets 50% of our potash from there, and also what is potash?”
The Canadian government has insisted that information on domestic goods is readily available to all trading partners, even including nations that recently elected a felony-convicted game show host to be their head of state. Instead, the United States has decided to employ a rarely-chosen trade tactic that international economists refer to as the “fuck around and find out” model.
International observers have noted that American consumers could possibly be spared from discovering which common purchases originate in Canada. “This depends on a few factors,” explains Prof. Sheila Singh, of the London School of Economics. “As long as Americans aren’t particularly attached to gassing up their cars, or eating beef, or using any electricity at all. Then they may not be forced to discover how much of that stuff comes from Canada.”
Singh adds, “Oh, and it would also be helpful is a large portion of a major US city hadn’t recently burned down in a series of wildfires, and they aren’t looking for Canadian lumber with which to rebuild. Otherwise, oh boy, sucks to be them.”
Meanwhile at the President’s Mar-A-Lago resort, Trump explained his reasoning. “Sure, we could’ve looked up this Canada information in some stupid book,” explained Trump in the middle of DJ-ing a wedding with 18 straight plays of ‘YMCA’. “But we all know that books are full of woke, and DEI, so we don’t like books. Books are very nasty. Instead, I’m going to attack the economy of America’s largest trading partner, and throw international trade into potentially irreparable chaos. Seems easier.”
“Or at least, that’s what Putin and Elon told me to do. I’m just following orders,” added Trump, before returning to pose for selfies with nearby donors.
Back in Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly prepared a raft of counter-tariffs, including on Canada supply of hunky actors named Ryan.
At press time, President Trump has directed his DOJ to arrest any American smart enough to explain why tariffs on Canada are a terrible fucking idea.
Jesus Christ is King
