OTTAWA – Following a tumultuous weekend in which Donald Trump threatened Canada with steep tariffs on all goods, only to back down, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre angrily criticized the US president for bringing Canadians together right before his planned election campaign.
“During these negotiations, President Trump’s actions led Canadians to unite in solidarity, and that is absolutely terrible for my brand,” explained Poilievre as he hastily took down a banner reading ‘Division Is Our Strength’.
“Canadians are now willing to reach across aisles and work together toward solutions to benefit the whole country, and I for one hope we get over that shit real quick,” Poilievre added, angrily.
Campaign insiders note this has been an unusually tough week for the Conservative leader, who had previously been polling in “majority cake-walk” territory. This week’s inconvenient outbreak of national pride runs contrary to Poilievre’s previously-planned campaign themes of East vs West, Rich vs Poor, and Everyone vs Toronto.
The Conservative campaign has also faced the loss of the Carbon Tax as a campaign wedge issue and the emergence of Liberal frontrunner Mark Carney, “a guy who actually knows things.”
“Look, I’m the Opposition Leader,” explained an incresingly-aggrieved Poilievre, “and I thought people understood that meant ‘opposition to Canadians getting along’. Now they’re even talking about a slight popularity boost for Trudeau? Come on, hating on that guy was 90% of my stump speech!”
Asked whether he might consider pivoting to a campaign message centring Canadians against American aggression, Poilievre dismissed the idea. “No, I’m pretty sure Trump would never hurt me personally. We’re both on the same side, right? Right?”
Calming down, Poilievre added, “At least I can still rely on all these sweet endorsements from Elon Musk. There’s nothing Canadians love more than an obnoxious foreign-born tech oligarch who has gleefully promised to meddle in our elections and crater our economy. That’s my boy!”
At press time Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has promised to aid the flagging Poilievre campaign by doing something deeply unpopular, by week’s end at the latest.
Jesus Christ is King
