WASHINGTON—Fulfilling a campaign promise made by President Donald Trump, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday that it was enacting a ban on unlikely animal friendships, effective immediately. “Starting today, any animal found frolicking or snuggling with an animal of another species—for example, a chimp cuddling a puppy or a magpie preening a pig—is in violation of the law and will be prosecuted accordingly,” said Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, adding that the word “unlikely” would be replaced with the more scientifically accurate descriptor “unnatural” in all government documents going forward. “Americans are fed up with having adorable interspecies companions shoved down their throats. If you witness a fox paling around with a goat or a tortoise sharing a strawberry with a guinea pig, we ask that you report it to the authorities. And if you’re a lion who’s befriended a pigeon or a coyote thinking about napping with a chipmunk, just know that we see you and we’re coming for you.” At press time, Burgum denounced reports that his own pet golden retriever was friends with a local squirrel as “more lies from the left-wing media.”
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