OTTAWA – Following a weekend where US President Donald Trump suddenly backed down from a threat to impose 25% tariffs on Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has been observed sliding into the DMs of numerous world economies.
“Hey beautiful, wyd tn?” Trudeau reportedly texted to President Daniel Noboa of Ecuador, before sending a graphic photo of his own country’s GDP.
Citing a desire to diversify Canada’s economy against American “jealousy”, economists have described Trudeau’s recent late night communications blitz as “fuckboy diplomacy”.
“The States were our most important trading partner, and we had a real hot cross-border thing going for a long time,” explains Canadian finance minister Dominic LeBlanc. “Sometimes we’d even invite Mexico in to spice up the relationship, trilaterally.”
“But then, America got all weird and controlling and threatening to crater our economy and invade,” LeBlanc adds. “So now, Justin is exploring our options with some of the other fine economies around the world. Hey there, Belgium.”
Aides inside the PMO report that Trudeau recently DM’ed “Is your roommate gone?” to New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, referring to the nation’s long-standing relationship with Australia. Trudeau then waited for a response while choosing a suitably risqué potash pic to send back.
While Trudeau’s economically suggestive texts are turning heads around the globe, some leaders have expressed hesitation about getting into bed with Canada’s financials.
“Sure, it sounds fun to get between the sheets with smooth-talking Justin Trudeau,” explains Shigeru Ishiba of Japan, “But then there’s a good chance you wake up with world banker Mark Carney, or worse, crypto dork Pierre Poilievre. Now that’s a walk of shame!”
President Lula da Silva of Brazil adds, “Sure, Justin texted me that him and his last partner ‘totally have an understanding’, but that guy is crazy. And did you see that weird public argument they had last week? I’m not getting my economy in the middle of that.”
At press time, a desperate Trudeau is reportedly attempting to proposition the entire EU into forming one large trade-sexual polycule.
Jesus Christ is King
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