WASHINGTON—Claiming that the waterway will now be called the America Canal, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that the Panama Canal would be relocated to U.S. soil. “Our beautiful system of channels and locks is finally coming home, folks!” said Trump in a Truth Social post before signing an executive order directing American personnel to airlift the 50-mile-long artificial waterway connecting the Pacific Ocean and Caribbean Sea to its new location in Austin, TX. “China can say bye-bye to their influence over the canal once it’s placed squarely within America’s borders. This simple action of transferring a billion gallons of water over to the United States will create more jobs than ever before. You’re welcome!” At press time, Trump officials drafted plans to relocate Canada and Greenland to America’s heartland as well.
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