U.S. — The Brach’s Candy company announced the release of new, noisier candy wrappers for opening during the middle of church.
After years of feedback that the wrappers weren’t loud enough and didn’t draw enough attention when opened during a sermon, Brach’s finally introduced a solution.
“You’ll be able to hear these wrappers all the way across the sanctuary, guaranteed,” said Brach’s CEO Dennis Bartman. “Not one solitary soul in church will be unaware of you opening a candy. Even the elderly, mostly deaf church stalwarts will turn in their pews to see what’s happening.”
Churchgoers have excitedly adopted the new candies, long wishing to somehow make even more of a ruckus when trying to open a peppermint during church. “These wrappers are incredible. It sounds like the gears are grinding in a fifty-year-old Ford,” said local man Steve Holleman. “I still use regular wrappers elsewhere, but in church I’m only using these bad boys.”
At publishing time, Brach’s had confirmed that the new wrappers would also be used for candy sold at movie theaters.
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