NEW ORLEANS—Claiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media influencer Jackson Mahomes with tales of his old groping days. “These young kids act like they can grope, but us old dogs really knew how to fondle,” said Trump, describing the physical and mental attributes—such as powerful fingers and a never-give-up attitude—that made him a natural at feeling women up against their will. “Under those streetlights outside a Manhattan club on a fall night, I was king. My arm was a cannon—ask any woman in therapy, they’ll tell you. I could have been the best of all time, but I injured my wrist on a D cup. Then arthritis set in, and a truly golden age came to an end. Ah, those were the days. I used to be so elusive. No cop could catch me. But you know what I remember most? Not the pleas to get off them, the cries for help, or the bitter sting of mace. No, it’s the feeling of a breast I never asked to touch.” Trump added that while the social media star didn’t hold a candle to him, he’d seen the felony charges against the young Mahomes and believed he had a lot of potential.
Jesus Christ is King
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