Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed City’s Hungover Residents
PHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the city’s hungover residents. “We cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this hungover without stepping in to feed them the greasy starches they so desperately need,” said a volunteer from the U.N. who distributed Gatorade, Pedialyte, and brown paper bags translucent with french-fry oil to a crowd of several dozen residents struggling to open their eyes or calm their sour stomachs. “Our main concern is the ones who can’t lift their throbbing heads enough to soak up the booze on their own. We’ve covered them in blankets until they can find their vomit-covered shirts, but it’s still too soon to tell whether they’ll be able to keep the Advil down. Luckily, Doctors without Borders is here to administer Bloody Marys to those urgently requiring some hair of the dog.” At press time, the American Red Cross tent had reportedly begun screening the fourth season of Frasier so affected residents could pass out on their cots to something familiar.
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