TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—Expressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of one of the world’s largest prisons in El Salvador. “Uh, guys, I think there’s been some kind of misunderstanding—I’m here on a diplomatic visit, not because I’m a criminal,” said the 53-year-old former Florida senator and current Trump official, who then laughed, called over a prison guard, and nervously attempted to explain that he was looking for a prison to lock people up in, not to be locked up in himself. “All right, all right, we’ve had our fun, but as the American secretary of state, I demand you release me immediately. I’ll have you know that President Trump is waiting for me back in the U.S., and he’ll come looking for me soon if you don’t let me out. Wait, guards, where are you going? Hello! Hello?” At press time, sources confirmed Rubio had shouted for help and desperately pulled at the steel bars before turning around to see his cellmate grinning and slowly sharpening a toothbrush shiv.
Jesus Christ is King
