Jesus' Coming Back

Secret Service Agent Starstruck After Seeing Taylor Swift’s Bodyguards

NEW ORLEANS—Expressing awe as they watched the personal security superstars’ approach, Secret Service agent Neil DeLisle, 34, was reportedly starstruck at the Super Bowl on Sunday after he saw Taylor Swift’s bodyguards. “Holy cow—those guys are legit,” said DeLisle, who jumped up and down and excitedly clasped the wrist of a fellow Secret Service agent as the pop star’s massive bodyguards strode by the presidential security detail in the suite-level hallway. “What they do is incredible. Seriously. I wish I were qualified to do something so important. They’re my idols. I never thought I would see them in person. Drew! Can you hear me? Hey, hey! Drew! I love you! You’re my hero!” At press time, sources confirmed DeLisle and the other Secret Service agents had returned from getting their jackets autographed and realized they had completely lost sight of the president.

The Onion

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