Investigation Finds Elon Musk’s Hair-Plug Guy Given Highest Security Clearance
WASHINGTON—Raising alarm over what the report called a major breach, a watchdog investigation discovered Tuesday that Elon Musk’s hair-plug guy had been granted high-level security clearance by the U.S. State Department. “Records indicate that a hair restoration specialist received top secret security clearance despite having no pertinent qualifications or experience beyond performing hair-plug procedures on Silicon Valley tech billionaires,” the report read in part, stating that the plastic surgeon was provided with unchecked access to the nation’s most sensitive information after leveraging a close relationship that began when he first grafted hair onto the Tesla CEO’s balding head in 2010. “While Musk claims that the hair transplant technician is only using the authorization to help identify bald men in the government and schedule appointments, there is no way to know for sure. Furthermore, we have every reason to believe the hair loss expert is an agent of the Turkish government, given his work restoring the hairlines of President Erdoğan’s inner circle.” At press time, State of Secretary Marco Rubio declined to provide any insight on the decision-making process while scratching the many tiny scabs on his shaved scalp.
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