New US tariffs force Canada to use excess steel, aluminum in construction of 200 ft Mecha-Gosling
OTTAWA – With US President Trump instituting 25% tariffs on all steel and aluminum imports, Canada has elected to use their excess metals in the most sensible way possible – by constructing a 21-storey-tall robotic weapon shaped after Canada’s hunkiest actor.
Weighing approximately 50,000 metric tons, Mecha-Gosling is powered by a CANDU nuclear reactor. It is capable of launching missiles from its fingers, toes, and knees, as well as melting the hearts of any who gaze upon his perfect mechanical stubble.
“Tariffs on Canadian steel and aluminum are entirely unjustified,” explained Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, standing at the base of the enormous mechanical leading man. “We are America’s closest ally, but we must protect ourselves. Now, Mecha-Gosling will ensure the safety of all bilateral commodity trade.”
The enormous Mecha-Gosling then let out a ferocious metallic roar, before deploying its jet thrusters to fly off and patrol the Saskatchewan/Montana border.
Some economists have pointed out that Canada could use this opportunity to strengthen steel and aluminum trade with partners like Japan and England. However, an overwhelming majority of Canadians have argued that Mecha-Gosling will crush any who oppose him by firing Space Beams from his soulful blue eyes.
While polling for Mecha-Gosling is extremely high, several other Canadian icons were considered for the “awe-inspiring space mech” treatment.
“We thought about using our steel and aluminum to construct a Mecha-Gretzky, but there was no guarantee he wouldn’t fly down to Mar-A-Lago and support Trump,” explained Trudeau. “Same with Mecha-Bobby-Orr.
Trudeau added, “We briefly considered a Mecha-Tommy Douglas, but thought that was too deep a cut. That was when we realized the star of Barbie and The Notebook would be just the terrifying metallic colossus Canada needs to protect our borders.”
Reports indicate that Quebec is currently using their own steel reserves in construction of a provincial Mecha-Bonhomme.
Reached for comment in LA, Oscar-nominee and star of Breaker High, Ryan Gosling, responded, “Mecha-Gosling? C’mon, I could’ve played that.”
In response, President Trump has ordered that Mecha-Gosling be attacked by America’s terrifying Sludge Monster, though this creature was later revealed to just be Steve Bannon after a bender.
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