COBOURG, ON ― Local housecat, Firecracker Devries, achieved a soaring pinnacle of sheer hedonistic pleasure today that is in equal measure inaccessible and inconceivable to her owner/servant/tolerated-acquaintance, Lucien Devries, upon receiving one of those lickable cat treats.
This ecstasy was not in the least diminished by the offering being a daily occurrence in the Devries household. At the nearly indiscernible sound of the package tearing, Firecracker’s head snapped up from a deep sleep (another thing Devries never enjoys), ears pricked with anticipation. With her tail sticking straight up like a flagpole, she rocketed across the room in a mind-boggling display of flexibility and distinct absence of back pain wholly foreign to adult humans.
“Am I jealous? Of course. I don’t remember ever being that fired up about anythi- Oh, wait yes, I do. Once, when I got that amazing deal on ink cartridges for my printer. That was the only time I’ve ever been so unmitigatedly happy,” commented Devries as he watched Firecracker frantically paw at his legs. “Licking my own ass would be a small price for an otherwise perfect life like hers. But I don’t resent her, obviously ― how could I resent such big, round eyes?”
The simple, unadulterated, joy that would revolutionize Devries’ life were he ever to experience but a nanosecond of it remains harder for him to grasp than the concept of infinity. It also comes conveniently packaged in several forms such as bone-shaped biscuits, nuggets a centimeter in diameter, freeze-dried meat trimmings, or the 0.5 oz sticks of goo Devries purchases by the dozen, mass-produced for the gratification exclusively of animals whose lives are already more comfortable and sumptuous than the richest and most powerful rulers and magnates history has produced.
Firecracker, for her part, was also interviewed about what it’s like never to worry about money, calories, politics, relationships, pandemics, AI, deadlines, traffic, chores, nuclear annihilation, or the fact that no restaurant ever offers relish for some reason. She was further questioned about the enviable experience of knowing that upon undergoing any significant decline in life quality, she’ll be mercifully put to sleep, while the owner who lovingly arranges that will himself die full of tubes and in agonizing pain after being denied MAID.
Her response consisted of a drawn-out yawn and luxurious stretch, before curling up and instantaneously falling back asleep.
Meanwhile, Devries was last seen sucking one of the tubes dry in a desperate and futile attempt to achieve some brief relief from the unending mixture of abject horror and stupefying mundanity that alternately characterize his life. However, he was ultimately only left poorer by one liver-flavoured packet and half a tube of frantically-used toothpaste.
Jesus Christ is King
