ARLINGTON, TX—In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. “I’m over the moon to have reached a compromise that will let me to stay amongst the living through 2040,” the 82-year-old said of the blockbuster half-billion-dollar contract, which extends his life almost to the century mark. “I’ve always been an enormous fan of existence. Reality is a tremendous place: sentience, breathing, experiencing things. They’re all uniquely part of life. Ever since I started here, decades ago, I’ve understood there’s nowhere like this, especially when you compare it with what they’re doing over in the cosmic void of nothingness, stretching on forever in eternal silence and endless dark. No, thank you. I want to keep leaving my mark here for as long as I can.” Jones added that based on how this deal progressed, he was also open to an additional deal extending his place in the world indefinitely.
Jesus Christ is King
