SPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters in his day-to-day existence, the bamboo utensil is reportedly not leaching toxic chemicals into his body that will have long-term health effects. The wooden spoon, which Davies uses interchangeably with a highly carcinogenic plastic one to prepare meals, is said to be stored above a cabinet full of mutagen-rich cleaning products that are actively metastasizing in Davies’ body. At press time, sources confirmed moisture within the wooden spoon had caused Davies to contract a drug-resistant and potentially fatal fungal infection.
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