JERUSALEM — Reports circulated that the House of Solomon had fallen into disarray following a disastrous Valentine’s Day celebration in which the king only bought 698 gifts despite having 700 wives.
King Solomon first became aware of his folly when assigning gift-wrapping duties to his servants.
“Oh king live forever! Behold, here are gifts totaling 698, yet 700 wives you have. Where are the other two gifts?” Adoniram the son of Abda reportedly asked.
According to sources, King Solomon rushed out of the palace to buy two last-minute gifts at a nearby gas station, only to discover that it was closed for the day. Instead, the king was forced to try passing off the error as intentional, informing three of his wives that they had to share one gift because they were the most special of all the wives. Witnesses confirmed that this only served to upset the women.
“His excellency will now experience the splendor of the royal doghouse,” one palace servant said. “In all honesty, though, it is a really nice doghouse. Gold-encrusted moldings and marble columns. It’s something.”
The disgruntled wives were subsequently given $25 Amazon gift cards, which King Solomon hoped would smooth things over but were reportedly labeled “cold” and “impersonal” by the offended women.
At publishing time, King Solomon wrote his 21st proverb: “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
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