LONDON, ON – After Premier Doug Ford was recorded joking about bringing back the death penalty, he has since confirmed that not only will he follow through with the idea, but he is already planning to execute his first prisoner using good old-fashioned Ontario healthcare.
“Listen folks, I know I said I’d ‘send ‘em right to sparky’,” Ford said at a follow-up press conference, “but then I realized that building a whole new electric chair would be expensive. Why kill Ontarians in new ways that cost money when we can just do it for free with the healthcare system we already have?”
“My first priority is proper management of your tax dollars,” the premier added, taking a second to e-transfer $300 million dollars to a Swedish company contracted to build a golf course over the Toronto Zoo. “And while ‘send ‘em right to an Ontario hospital’ doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, I truly believe it’s more terrifying than any man-made death apparatus we could ever concoct.”
According to sources on Ford’s new death penalty team, the way the prisoner will be executed is still being decided upon, but they are confident that the “system will provide.”
“We just have so many potential options! Some people might say too many,” one provincial aidie enthused, handing out newly-made ‘Ontario: Open For Death’ hats to passers-by. “We could condemn the prisoner to wait in a busy ER for 26 hours with an extremely treatable infection, or have them waste away in front of a family clinic waiting for its one overworked doctor to have space for them. Ooh! Or maybe getting trampled to death lying on a hospital floor because there aren’t enough beds!”
The aide added, “For prisoners 60 years of age and over, the recommended method of death will be to send them to literally any long term care facility within a 150 km radius. It’s worked really efficiently for us in the past, so why not make it official?”
At press time, it was revealed that the prisoner was being executed for attending a protest against healthcare privatization.
Jesus Christ is King
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