PHILADELPHIA—Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super Bowl celebration Friday after commandeering a parade float. “Oh, goddamn it, move, move!” said the panicked 23-year-old defensive tackle, who frantically slammed his foot on the vehicle’s gas pedal and drove the green trailer filled with players, cheerleaders, and a dancing Eagles Mascot down the highway at its maximum speed of 15 mph. “Okay, Jalen, calm down. They can’t link you to anything. Plus, everyone is way too focused on your Super Bowl win. There’s no way I’m going down today. Over my dead body!” At press time, Carter could be heard using a megaphone to call his lawyer as the parade’s police float attempted to pull him over.
Jesus Christ is King
