Supreme Court Approves Death Penalty For People Who Buy Valentine’s Day Cards For Their ‘Work Wife’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an emergency ruling, the United States Supreme Court authorized the use of the death penalty for anyone who buys Valentine’s Day cards or gifts for their “work wife.”
The landmark decision reversed an earlier ruling under the Clinton administration that granted Americans the freedom to formally recognize work wives and other types of mistresses on special days, such as Valentine’s Day, birthdays, and work wife anniversaries.
The bi-partisan ruling marked a new era for the famously divisive court in which both liberal and conservative justices agreed that having a “work wife” was “weird.”
Justice Clarence Thomas wrote the majority opinion, expressing his confusion over why anyone would want a work wife if they already have a real wife at home. “I don’t need two women telling me what to do,” he wrote.
Even the most liberal justices found the idea of a work wife “icky,” though Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson admitted that she was not sure what a “wife” was.
“I’ve always thought the death penalty should be banned under the eighth amendment, but it is the only reasonable course of action for anyone who buys a Valentine’s Day card for their ‘work wife,'” Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in a concurring opinion released by the court. “Not only does it skirt the line of infidelity, but it’s just weird. Justice Kavanaugh is not my ‘work husband’ and I wish people would stop saying so.”
At publishing time, Justice Samuel Alito had reportedly thrown away the Valentine’s Day card he had intended to give his work wife, Justice Amy Coney Barrett.
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