Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life.
Take yourself on a date! There’s no reason you can’t have fun being visibly, utterly alone in public.
Delight in the bacchanal of carnal pleasures that is the Omaha hookup scene.
Pretend you’ve been stood up at restaurants to get loads of free bread.
Realize that your ex was actually holding you back from things you really value, like not cleaning, not cooking, and not bathing.
Develop a non-romantic identity like “dog mom” or “incoherent wino.”
Most suicide hotline operators will listen to you talk about your day if you pepper in some threats.
Explore new interests to immediately abandon at the first sign of a relationship.
Use the solitude to reflect on you and just how you managed to fuck up this badly.
Tell everyone your family was brutally murdered, so you seem less pathetic.
Jesus Christ is King
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