SCARBOROUGH, ON – Local man Geoff Bridgley, who recently expressed enthusiasm at this winter’s robust snowfall in the face of bleak worldwide climate change indicators, has now reverted to the standard Canadian position of seething anger at all the snow.
Bridgley, a local marketing consultant, was previously seen enjoying snowy neighbourhood walks, making snow angels, and openly musing “finally, some good news about the world”, before quickly finding his optimism overwhelmed by 71 centimetres of snow.
“Yeah, after a couple of distressingly mild winters, it was heartening to see that our climate is still capable of a healthy snowfall,” explained Bridgley as he applied a hot pack to his arms after multiple days of shovelling. “But now I’m over it. Fuck all this snow.”
Witnesses note that Bridgley has spent the last five days removing increasingly-heavy snow from his sidewalk, car, back porch, rooftop, and then again from his sidewalk.
“Look, I get that climate change is bad and we don’t wanna ruin the earth, blah blah blah,” explained Bridgley as he donned his still-soaking parka to head back outside and help dig out his wife’s car.
“But maybe a little climate change wouldn’t be so bad? Like, there’s gotta be a sweet spot between ‘apocalypse’ and ‘me slipping on ice and cracking my coccyx for the third time this week’.”
Across Canada’s eastern region, which has recently experienced record snowfall, many self-described environmental enthusiasts have shared similar antipathy towards the weather.
“It was really fun playing in the snow with my kids last weekend,” muttered Priti Sharma, of Moncton, “but that was before multiple snow days with them at home while I try to feed them lunch and work my remote job with them screaming and screaming. Fuck all this snow.”
“I was the head of my building’s recycling committee,” explains Jake Melford, of Quebec City. “Now, I’m actively burning plastics in the courtyard in hopes of raising the planet’s temperature a degree or two. Fuck all this snow.”
In a related story, don’t look at the weather report for this coming weekend.
Jesus Christ is King
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