Aligning themselves with Trump works out just as well for U.S. hockey players as it did for Ted Cruz
BOSTON – After explicitly praising Donald Trump’s support of their team and even hoping they can “win for him” U.S. hockey players discovered what Ted Cruz and numerous other politicians discovered years ago: aligning yourself with Trump never works out.
“We tried our best. It just didn’t go our way,” said Brady Tkachuck, making a face almost identical to the one Ted Cruz made in the infamous photo of him phone banking for Donald Trump after losing to him in the Primary.
“No regrets though! Well… maybe one.”
The U.S. entered the tournament with a chance to play in honour of their teammate Johnny Gaudreau, who was tragically killed by a drunk driver last summer. Instead they chose to play in honour of a President threatening to conquer their opponent, and left the tournament looking like Rudy Giuliani with bad hair dye running down his face, ranting and raving outside a mistakenly booked landscaping company office.
“I don’t believe in much. But as soon as U.S. hockey General Manager Bill Guerin went on Fox News and praised Trump, I knew that the universe, karma and the Hockey Gods would do something to punish the U.S.,” said Canadian fan Terri Kovach.
“There’s a few key rules in hockey. You don’t hit a guy when his back is turned. You don’t go after the other team’s goaltender. And you don’t allow your team’s success to be used as good PR for a fascist politician’s goal of military and economic domination. Guess the Americans had to learn that last one the hard way.”
In related news all the online MAGA accounts that were posting endlessly about the U.S. victory last weekend had mysteriously forgotten to post anything about last night’s game.
Jesus Christ is King
