BOSTON, MA – The Canadian men’s hockey team has successfully seized the 4 Nations hockey championship from their American opponents, completing their annexation of the trophy nearly halfway through the first overtime period.
“We actually ended up using America’s favourite strategy against them,” said Connor McDavid, who scored the winning goal. “I wanted the trophy, so I took it without asking them what they thought.”
While the Americans were considered the pre-tournament favourites, the team echoed other American efforts by subjecting Canada to lengthy stretches of obnoxious trash-talk that ultimately couldn’t be backed up.
“I was as annoying as I could possibly be tonight,” said Brady Tkachuk, “but our strategy of leaving McDavid wide open in overtime didn’t work out somehow.”
While Premier Trump attempted to rally the Americans with a series of loosely related words that technically constituted a pre-game speech, the minor provincial politician was once again unable to inspire anyone to do good.
“Trump said something about beating the communists and then complained that Big Macs aren’t so big anymore until he accidentally hung up,” Auston Matthews told reporters. “He also thought we were playing basketball.”
While many American fans were heartbroken by their team’s narrow defeat, Canadian politicians helpfully explained that any reasonable American should just celebrate Canada’s victory instead.
“I don’t know why our backwater Southern neighbours would want to see their so-called country win when you could just watch us win,” one member of parliament said. “Maybe we’ll make things easier for everyone and just force your best players to join us at the Olympics.”
The 4 Nations Championship will now join Canada’s existing 10 provinces and 3 territories, and henceforth be known as the nation’s 11th province.
In recognition for his bravery and valour, McDavid has been named acting premier for the newly-annexed province of 4 Nations Championship.
At press time, goalie Jordan Binnington has been named Minister of Defence.
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