Bummed About That Hockey Game? Here Are 21 Things America Is Better At Than Canada

Are you a little sad that Canada won that hockey game the other night? Well, cheer up, friend: here are 21 things that America is way better at than our little brother up north:

1. Being warm: They are so bad at this.

2. Not electing women: Our track record is outstanding.

3. Overthrowing tyrannical governments: It’s sort of our thing.

4. College football: It’s embarrassing how much better we are.

5. Getting a tan: Do better, Canada.

6. Punching Canadians before hockey games: Admittedly we’re new at this, but we’re already better.

7. Garnering some sort of respect from other countries: Maybe don’t put your police in furry red coats.

8. Remembering the Alamo: It’s not even close.

9. Not killing off old, sick people: We are so much better at not smothering sick people with a pillow.

10. Rap music: Who’s your best rapper, Avril Lavigne?

11. Being nice to straight-shooting psychologists who talk like Kermit the Frog: He’s with us now.

12. Cooking tacos: Absolute superiority.

13. Not speaking French: America is dominant at not speaking other languages.

14. Eating hot dogs: Not a single Canuck out there who can wolf down 60 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Sad!

15. Saying the word “about”: Y’all are so bad at this.

16. Having homes that aren’t made out of ice: We are incredible at not living in igloos.

17. Owning guns: Don’t mess with the champs.

18. Drinking maple syrup: Super Troopers is proof.

19. Having states instead of dumb provinces that no one knows: No one cares, Canada.

20. Beating up commies: Honestly, you should try it.

21. Hockey: We still won the aggregate 5-4. You silly Canucks.

See there, don’t you feel better?

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Babylon Bee

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