U.S. — The creepy, middle-aged weirdos of America were dealt a harsh blow today as the Hooters franchise announced it has declared bankruptcy.
Long a stalwart of forty-something losers, Hooters’ imminent closure has left thousands of gross weirdos unsure where to go.
“It’s not just anywhere you can pathetically leer at women twenty years your junior,” sighed local creep Jon Barnes. “Like, seriously, they’ll kick you out of Applebee’s for that. They don’t ‘tolerate that crap in the neighborhood,’ as the manager told me. What am I supposed to do?”
The news came as a staggering surprise to creepy men everywhere, who figured that other men were as weird and nasty as they are. “It turns out there are a lot less of us infantile losers than I thought,” said local man Donald Jackson. “It’s really disheartening to learn that most dudes actually aren’t immature reprobates. This is a tough one.”
At publishing time, the affected men had formed a support group known as the National Association of Creepy Middle-Aged Weirdos.
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