Crenshaw Tries To Kill Tucker But Instead Runs Into A Pole (Because He Has No Depth Perception)
BOCA GRANDE, FL — Dan Crenshaw’s plan to hunt and kill conservative personality Tucker Carlson was foiled again when he tripped over his feet and ran into a pole. Authorities say this is because he has no depth perception on account of having only one eye.
The former Navy SEAL turned U.S. Representative infiltrated Gasparilla Island via amphibious assault in the early morning hours before dawn and quickly moved toward Carlson’s home with the intent of sneaking upon Carlson and snapping his neck. But then his mission failed when he tripped over his feet and slammed into a pole because he has only one eye and can’t see very well due to not having two of them.
“There’s a reason Navy SEALs have to have two eyes,” said former Navy SEAL commander Roy Bucklew. “What was Crenshaw thinking, going in for the kill with less than two eyes? What a silly goose.”
After stumbling over himself and crashing head-first into a pole, Crenshaw is said to have regained his composure briefly before stepping on a rake, which knocked him backward into a trash barrel that rolled down to a nearby dock and dumped him into the ocean where he was eaten by sharks, because he only has one eye and he looks like a pirate and has no depth perception.
“The sad thing is, he wasn’t even anywhere near Tucker’s house,” said Sheriff Dex Gladden. “Handicapped people really shouldn’t try to murder people.”
At publishing time, witnesses claimed to see a shark off the coast wearing an eye patch.
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