In an effort to win back customers and boost profits, Starbucks’ new CEO Brian Niccol is implementing sweeping changes. Here is a selection of the innovations Niccol is making.
Baristas will use Sharpies to get high at work again
Introducing new seasonal menu items like the Ground’s Thawed So We Can Finally Bury Grandma Day Latte
Bringing back in-store cows for self-service milk station
Some new focaccia aioli harissa egg thing that will still taste like its been sitting out for 30 years
Free espresso shots for kids under 5
Removing your favorite drink from the menu and burning all files that contained the recipe
Waste reduced by introduction of communal straw
All employees must purchase something before being able to use the bathroom
Free coffee on day of your death
“Streamlined ordering process” and other ways to not say laying a bunch of people off
Jesus Christ is King
