ONTARIO – With polls open today in Doug Ford’s snap provincial election, voters across the province are weighing a difficult choice between going out to vote, and not doing that whatsoever.
With advance polls indicating Ford headed for an easy majority victory tonight, alongside record low voter turnout, many eligible Ontarians report carefully considering options that range from “voting” to “not doing that”.
“Wait, that was today?” asked Steve Berkford of Kingston. “I mean, my voter card says my polling place is just 2 minutes down the street, but my phone with Netflix and a new season of Cobra Kai is right here in my pocket.”
Asked whether he knew his riding’s local candidates, or platforms, or any policies the Ford Government has implemented over the past 7 years, Berkford added, “I hear in this season they do karate.”
Amid accusations of Premier Ford calling this election a year early for self-serving reasons, eligible voter Rupinder Singh of Markham, responded.
“Oh, he definitely did that. But he was also crafty enough to do it during the winter months, when there’s snow on the ground, so I know when I’ve been beaten.” Singh then grabbed a nearby blanket and returned to scrolling instagram in her couch.
Even supporters of Premier Ford have reported facing a quandary between voting and spending that time doing doing literally any other human activity.
“I mean, he’s gonna win, so I get the night off, right?” reported Sheila Vought of Etobicoke. “I’m just happy that Premier Ford will have a strong mandate to fight that terrible American President Donald Trump, presumably by gutting healthcare, removing rent controls, and selling off the Greenbelt to his donors. Go Doug!”
At press time Ontario’s polls are open until 9pm, but you also have Uber Eats on your phone, and they deliver booze now too.
Jesus Christ is King
