BETHESDA, MD—Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. “With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber spider and its highly realistic, blood-curdling fangs, the face of combat has changed forever,” said CEO James Taiclet, explaining that the long-range, 250-foot-tall precision latex arachnid could be deployed anywhere in the world to scare the living daylights out of anyone in a 3,000-mile radius. “Enemy combatants are sure to flee when they see these immense, cutting-edge rubber spiders dropped into a war zone. Its power to freak out even the most well-trained military forces in the world should not be overstated.” Reached for comment, U.N. official confirmed they had drafted a resolution condemning the use of giant rubber spiders in war zones as inhumane and gross.
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