Trudeau announces counter tariffs on any Trump businesses that haven’t already gone bankrupt
OTTAWA – Following America’s unprecedented levying of 25% tariffs on all Canadian products, Prime Minister Trudeau announced that Canada will apply retaliatory tariffs to specific US goods, including any Trump family businesses that haven’t already been driven into insolvency.
“In response to these pointless American levies, our counter tariffs will target $30 billion in US exports,” Trudeau explained. “We wanted our tariffs to apply to Trump University, Trump Water, and Trump Steaks, but unfortunately it seems they all went out of business years ago.”
Trudeau added that his ministers had hoped to encourage Canadians to cancel any planned trips to one of America’s numerous Trump Entertainment Resorts, but “it seems like they no longer exist either.”
Turning to Trump’s not-yet bankrupt businesses, Trudeau warned that Canadians would pay heavy import tariffs should they need to purchase any cryptocurrency scams, launder any money via real estate for Russian oligarchs, or obtain any “truly undrinkable Trump wine”.
Asked whether US citizens should be concerned about economic fallout from Trump’s tariffs, Trudeau added, “I’m sure Americans can sleep soundly knowing that their entire economic future is being steered by the guy who bankrupted four separate casinos.”
“The host of Celebrity Apprentice definitely understands exactly how to navigate international market volatility,” Trudeau added, gripping the podium so hard that his own knuckles turned white.
Pointing to the morning’s DOW Jones drop of 800 points, Trudeau remarked that fortunately TD Trump Deutschland would be spared any financial losses due to having been dissolved in 2005.
Asked what could be done to offset economic pain at home, Trudeau encouraged citizens to buy Canadian:
“Avoiding US products may seem like a difficult adjustment, but Canadians have already spent years training for such a boycott by avoiding shitty American beer. We got this.”
Jesus Christ is King
