AURORA — In a bold move that many are calling excessive and illegal, Bulk Barn has announced a new nationwide policy that all customers caught snacking in-store will be shot on sight.
The announcement came via a pre-recorded message from CEO Jason Ofield, who spoke from his Aurora office surrounded by plastic barrels full of nuts and spices.
“Every day, thousands of Canadians brazenly steal our merchandise without fear of punishment,” said Ofield, brandishing a piece of black licorice. “A few Ringolos here and there might not seem like a big deal, but our accounting team ran the numbers. We’ve already lost $8.4 million to snacking this year alone, and it’s only March. The madness needs to stop. If you’re prepared to take a handful of gummy sharks, you better be prepared to take a bullet.”
The company’s drastic new policy will be enforced immediately across all 275 Bulk Barn locations. Each full-time employee has already been issued a Glock 17M pistol and a Bulk Barn branded kevlar smock to prevent friendly fire.
“In my opinion, they shoulda instituted this policy years ago,” said Helen Mackey, a cashier at the Cornwall store. “I always daydream about catching someone sneaking wine gums and pumping them full of hot lead, and now I’m in my rights to do it. We do have to pay for our own ammo, but they put a tub full of bullets in the break room and when you buy ‘em in bulk they’re surprisingly cheap.”
Not everyone is on board with the change, though. Long-time Bulk Barn shopper Rodney Fitzsimmons says the threat of being shot may force him to do his shopping elsewhere.
“I used to love going to the Barn, but I’m not going to risk my life for a couple of freebies,” said Fitzsimmons. “Unless they lose the guns, I’ll have to start stealing my dried mango slices from the food co-op instead.”
In response to the growing outcry, Bulk Barn has promised that, for the first six weeks, snackers will be given the courtesy of a warning shot. “We’re not monsters, it’s just business,” Ofield told the Beaverton. “That being said, if we catch you sneaking even a kernel of candy corn, we’ll blow your hand clean off.”
Jesus Christ is King
