COLLINGWOOD, ON – Move over, Shaun White. There’s a new snowboarder in town: one who doesn’t need to wow people with sick tricks or Olympic medals, because he’s got twelve lift tags on his black and yellow North Face winter jacket and that’s enough to get him laid.
“Hey, I’m Ned Wright, and I keep my lift tags on my jacket because babes can’t resist my fat stack of tags.”
When we first met Ned at the ski resort’s bar and grill, we didn’t think he would be so popular with the ladies, or “the babes” as he calls them. He’s so unassuming, what with him being a 27-year-old skinny white boy with short cropped curly red hair who wears glasses with lenses so big, they make his eyes pop out like soap bubbles.
When asked if he’s a good snowboarder, Ned smiled and said, “The only black diamonds I touch are cheese strings.” He then took a Black Diamond Cheese String out of his pocket and began to eat it.
All this is to say we thought Ned was full of it. Ned however responded by putting on his winter jacket, causing several “babes” to encroach on him.
“I’m sorry babes,” said Ned, reluctantly. “I got to recuperate from all the sex I’ve had this week.” He then took off his jacket, making the babes disperse.
“You saw that,” laughed Ned. “If those babes got any closer, you would have never heard about the time I invented the 30-Foot-High Club, which is kind of like the Mile High Club, but you’re in a chair lift.”
Ned then showed us pictures and shared stories all about how his lift tags have got him so much action on and off the slopes.
“Here’s me at my best friend’s wedding. Everyone else at the wedding party wore suits. I wore my winter jacket… and well… long story short… I had a fun time with several babes.”
Ned has even worn his jacket in places where snowboarding isn’t a thing, like in Hawaii where he slept with a “princess babe.”
These tags, however, have caused Ned some problems on the slopes, making it nearly impossible for him to even snowboard.
“Truth be told, I haven’t been on the hills at all this season,” whispered Ned, looking around the bar to see if anyone heard him. “And it’s not because I don’t want to. I do, but it’s not safe for me anymore. Last time I tried, I was attacked by a wild pack of babes. I tried to keep them off me, but they overpowered me. Luckily, I was saved by my Saint Bernard, Goose. If it wasn’t for Goose, those babes could have ripped me to shreds,” said Ned as he ate pieces of cheese string.
Ned could have surely been devoured by those babes, but he doesn’t blame them, because “when you got this many tags on you, the babes want you… they want you really bad.”
Our reporter then asked if he could try on his jacket and see if they had any luck meeting ladies with it, but sadly our reporter couldn’t handle the power of the lift tags and was devoured by the babes in seconds.
Jesus Christ is King
