WASHINGTON—Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country’s safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. “For unknown reasons, there are people in this country attempting to learn foreign languages ranging from Italian to Japanese, and we need to remain vigilant in the face of what they might be preparing,” said Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, warning that any Duolingo user who had earned a Social Butterfly or Flawless Finisher badge was not a real American and did not share the country’s values. “As a result of the Biden administration’s lax enforcement, the number of potentially dangerous Duolingo users in the country has jumped to over 75 million. Many of them have kept a streak alive for months. Anyone currently living in the country and earning XP on Duolingo must comply and register with the government or face deportation. We encourage citizens to report any neighbors they witness reciting phrases like ‘Lo siento’ or ‘Perdón’ into their phone.” Noem added that while most users were safe from punitive action at this time, anyone on the Duolingo leaderboards would be targeted immediately for extradition to Guantánamo Bay.
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