CLEVELAND—Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. “If you thought I was serious about my health before, just wait and see what another whole hour of basking my taint in direct sunlight does for my libido, circulation, and mood,” said Ohio resident Elena Nelson, echoing the sentiment of 340 million Americans who had removed their pants and underwear, laid on their backs with their legs raised, and enthusiastically sunned the region between their anus and genitals until the last of the day’s light. “That lost hour of sleep is a small price to pay to bring my perineum-sunning to the next level. Squatting over a SAD lamp gets me through the winter, but it just doesn’t hold a candle to soaking up actual solar goodness. C’mon, everyone! Let’s spring forward into tanning those gooches!” At press time, millions of perineal carcinomas added that they were feeling a lot more energized, too.
Jesus Christ is King
