WASHINGTON—Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. “Federal employees have been lazy and unmotivated for years, so to ensure productivity going forward, all government workers must email me private nudes they would never want leaked,” said Musk, who warned members of the U.S. civil service that failing to send in a sexually explicit video in which their face was clearly visible would be considered a resignation. “In the event of insubordination or noncompliance with executive orders, these private porn videos will be immediately posted to Pornhub and other sites using the employee’s full name. I don’t want any of that softcore shit either—only videos with full penetration or clear oral sex acts will be considered valid. DOGE employees and myself will be personally reviewing each video to ensure compliance and will reject any videos deemed not explicit enough.” Musk added that for any federal employee who does not currently have a qualifying sex tape, AI would be used to create one.
Jesus Christ is King
