Man Longs For Simpler Time When Games Were 2D And You Could Never Get Past The First Level
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local middle-aged man Dustin Sidewood was seen gazing out a window thoughtfully, longing for a time when video games were 2D and it was impossible to beat the first level, sources said.
“I used to appreciate games more when you knew going into it there was no chance you’d even beat the first level,” Sidewood said. “You didn’t obsess about save systems or how long a game was, you just enjoyed it. Take me back.”
Professional video game journalists disagreed, however, noting that past games were so short that there was almost nothing to write about. “Every game was good back then because they could only do one or two things and were forced to perfect it before releasing,” said esteemed Polygon writer Tilly Manhood. “There wasn’t anything to complain about. If things were still like that today, I’d be out of a job.”
In a world where the average game length is in excess of 20 hours, with it taking up to 100 hours to complete every side quest or collect everything, Sidewood couldn’t help but believe that the excess of content has created an excess of garbage.
“Back in the old days, you could put a game in and know exactly what you were getting within the first ten seconds. Most of the time it was just a sidescroller, but sometimes you’d get games from a top-down view and that was kind of cool,” he said, reflecting on glory days gone by. “You could start playing immediately without having to sit through lengthy cutscenes or worry about checkpoints or finish mandatory tutorials for complex game mechanics that you almost never used.”
Gazing thoughtfully at his Playstation 5 console, he scoffed. “I just want to run and jump. Run and jump forever. And grab coins. Lots of coins.”
At publishing time, Dustin Sidewood bought another UbiSoft game for reasons he couldn’t explain.
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