Tim Hortons to release names of everyone who failed Roll Up the Rim skill testing question
Toronto, ON – Coffee lovers, rejoice! Roll Up the Rim to Win is back… with a twist. This year, Tim Hortons will publicly shame all customers who incorrectly answer the skill-testing question on the app.
“We’re so excited about this year’s promotion,” said chief marketing officer Hope Bagozzi. “Not only did we bring back the tactile experience of rolling an actual rim, but we found a way to bring about a new and unique Tim Hortons experience: complete and utter humiliation.”
Customers who fail to solve the simple arithmetic problem will have their full name, address, and most embarrassing Tims order sent out to all 10 million people on the company’s email list.
“Every Canadian has a Timmies order they’re ashamed of,” explains Bagozzi. “And we couldn’t be more thrilled to share those orders on our Instagram account.”
This senseless act of cruelty is already being called the worst thing Tim Hortons has done since it stopped sprinkling sugar on top of the chocolate chip muffins. Customers aren’t happy.
“My friends are going to think I’m stupid, but I just misread the question,” said Blake McGriff, whose answer to the question 5+2 was 1812. “I thought it was asking, ‘When was the War of 1812?’ Anyone could make that mistake!”
“This whole thing is nastier than a cilantro lime loaded comfort bowl,” said Donna Howey, who is currently in line at a Tim Hortons drive-through. “Excuse me a moment… One cilantro lime loaded comfort bowl, please!”
As with many of the company’s decisions, it’s hard to see how this act of sadism serves any practical purpose for Tim Hortons. Yet, profits have never been higher.
“We’re doing this for the same reason we started serving pizza,” said Bagozzi. “We kind of just want to know if there’s anything we can do that would make Canadians stop buying our products. We’re going to try honey mustard crullers next.”
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