WASHINGTON D.C. – Faced with a growing number of airplane crashes caused in part by aggressive cuts to FAA staffing, President Donald Trump has solved the problem by pivoting his focus towards causing a stock market crash instead.
“I’m the guy who bankrupted four casinos, so steering previously successful things into catastrophic crashes is pretty much my super power,” explained Trump to his rapturously applauding cabinet. “I figured Americans were getting tired of plane crashes, so why not give ’em some of the old 1929 magic!”
Trump’s moves to shift from plane to stock market in his crashes largely involves unilaterally declared tariffs against neighbour and trade partner Canada.
“We tried crashing a plane in Canada, Toronto actually, didn’t move the needle at all,” Trump explained. “So now we’ll try crashing America’s entire stock market. That’ll show them!”
The increased tariffs, including 50% on Canadian steel and aluminum, have thus far been extremely successful in dropping the DOW nearly 600 points and creating market volatility across the board.
“Soon it won’t be planes falling out of the sky, only stockbrokers. You’re welcome,” Trump exclaimed, before taking off for a week-long golfing vacation.
Trump insisted that his stock market crash not be named “Black Tuesday” on account of sounding “too much like woke DEI.”
Jesus Christ is King
