U.K. — In a horrific disaster sending tidal waves across the Atlantic, Ireland has apparently capsized after the arrival of Rosie O’Donnell.
According to British monitors, the eastern half of Ireland began sinking the moment Ms. O’Donnell waddled forth from her plane. The island nation rapidly reached a literal tipping point, flipping upside down and leaving the population desperately holding its breath until scientists can figure out how to flip the island back right side up.
“Imagine a large person getting on a white-water-raft, causing it to tip over and everyone aboard is now stuck under the raft,” explained Gary Martin, an Irish geologist currently living in England. “Only, instead of a merely large woman, you have Rosie O’Donnell, and instead of a raft, it’s a 32,000 square-mile island. Oi! This is bad.”
The overturned island nation has left scientists stumped as they raced against the clock to flip it back over. “We presume Ms. O’Donnell is no longer exerting force upon the island, so we should be able to flip it over, if we can only find someone else like Ms. O’Donnell to send in,” said local scientist Dr. Bert Stranden. “If it weren’t for Ozempic, we’d be in business. All the luck!”
At publishing time, President Trump had dispatched several cargo planes carrying a certain “Lizzo”.
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